Crop Over 2009 - The Instant Party HitMaker Machine

Well, it is Crop Over time again and that means that the airwaves will be deluged with the good, the bad and the downright ugly in terms of calypsos and wannabe calypsonians.

We know that your heart hurts when you hear the new young stars on the radio being interviewed and "dropping" their hit releases. We know that you too want to be a superstar on the stage at the Party Monarch Finals and peddling your CDs in the supermarket/bank/carpark to unsuspecting members of the public. You too want to don a pair of oversized shades so you can go incognito during the "season".

But how? After all, the hits that they spin out are so craftily written and there is such an exquisite balance of lyrics, melody,storytelling and wit. How could a mere mortal such as yourself dare to dream of aspiring to such heights?

Never fear. The Instant Party HitMaker Machine is here. Just insert $500, pull the lever and follow these instructions:

1. Select your lyrics carefully. Since you are interested in five minutes of fame and do not actually wish to contribute to the longevity of the artform, we have chosen the most common words and phrases heard in party calypsoes. Choose at random from the following to compose VERSE ONE:

bacchanal / Carnival / Labour Day / breakaway/ get on bad/wine/ juk/wave/ TIL MORNING

roll/ SHE/ push back/ pon/ FETE/ jump/ hard/ wave/ I/ wood/ hands up/ rag/ flag/ party on fyah

jam/corner/coming/behind de truck/ road/ bamsee/ SOAKING/ bumper/ HE / shake

misbehave/ pork/ sexy gal/ GRIND/ bend down low/ waist/ pelt/ eating/ drinking/ he/ test me

2. You should now carefully consider your chorus. This should be catchy and easy enough for a five year old to remember. (Or write). We suggest that you use a few catch phrases and give careful thought to repeating the following ad nauseum:

wine, wine, wine, wine

juk, juk, juk, juk

wave, wave , wave, wave

and misbehave

get on bad, get on bad

in de party

It is always helpful to get several of your friends ( the drunker sounding and more raucous the better) to shout random phrases in the background.

3. Repeat Step 1 to compose VERSE TWO. At this point it really doesn't matter if you repeat most of the words in VERSE 1. It will help your target audience to remember the lyrics to the entire song without too much effort.

4. Repeat Steps 3 and 2 until you have the number of verses you desire.

5. Take your song to a little known producer/arranger who will assure you that you have a surefire hit on your hands. Hand over your hard earned cash. Alternatively, record the "hit" in your bathroom or bedroom, never forgetting that the great Nicholas Branker started his studio in his bedroom. But wait, he actually had musical talent and training. Anyhoo...

6. Walk into a radio studio and get one of the DJs to interview you on air and play your hit. Shout out as many times as possible "This is a big tune. This one going mash up de party. It only took me 15 minutes to write it." ( So long, are you serious?) Make sure to mention that you were following calypso from the time you were a youth and you decided to do a thing for Crop Over.

7. Get your friends to call in on the radio station and request your song so that it can be in "heavy rotation". You are officially a superstar and must hastily acquire a Manager and another pair of oversize shades. Appearances on Morning Barbados are mandatory and you cannot walk through Broad Street without being hailed by all and sundry. Even small children chant "wine, wine, wine, wine, juk, juk, juk, juk" when they see you. You have already selected your outfit for Party Monarch and visions of Trinidad Carnival dance in your head.

8. React in shock and disbelief when you do NOT make it to the Party Monarch Finals. (Cheeze don bread, these judges actually expect melody and lyrics in this thing? Dem mekking bare sport. ) Do not despair as you are guaranteed a place in the Vexx Fete as you are "burning up the charts and mashing up de party".

9. Next year , having learnt little. repeat the process. Except this time around you can complain bitterly about how the judges tief you last year.