Top 5 Reasons why you should have your eyebrows waxed instead of plucking them yourself

O.k, so every fiscally responsible fashonista knows that in today's economy you have to cut and contrive. Tighten your belt real tight and focus on neccessities. Trim the budget and let go of those little spa treats. It is easy to do your own French pedicure, no? (No , it is not. It can be a full scale disaster.)

But I digress. We are talking about why, despite pressing economic hardship, it is NOT a good idea to pluck your eyebrows yourself (especially in poor lighting). So, the top 5 reasons are:

1. You will inevitably overpluck and people WILL notice that you are missing half a brow.

2. Skin coloured plaster really is not skin coloured and was not meant for brows.

3. Advertising claims be damned. Eyebrow pencils and gel are NOT really long lasting and during the course of the day, on a fleeting glance in the mirror, you will realise to your horror that your eyebrow pencil and gel have worn off and that it is painfully apparent to all and sundry that you ARE missing half a brow.

4. No one really believes that you had an unfortunate accident with your curling iron.

5. Brows take a while to grow back. Even if you religiously apply olive oil and Do Gro to them nightly. Sigh.

So, the moral of this story is that one should not try to "self-spa" but should fork over one's hard earned money to the professionals who know what they are doing. Cut and contrive somewhere else. Maybe you can try applying your own gel tips. I mean, that has to be easy, right?

What the Hey? Seen on the streets of Bridgetown, Part Deux

1. A vendor selling plants in Swan Street. Is this what they mean by greening Bridgetown?

2. Off da Brink spray painted signs. Also seen on the outskirts of Bridgetown. What is up with that?

3. Two Rihanna Mohawks. Sigh. Didn't we talk about this, people?

4. Very Small Shorts on a Not Small Body. Not cool. Oh, my eyes! My eyes! I actually believe that individual does not have a single mirror in her home.

Say it ain't so, Joe

Did Joe Jackson really say that he would be launching the Jackson 3 i.e a band comprising the children of his deceased son MJ? Now, I haven't actually heard him say this or seen any video footage but this is what I heard reported on tv.

No, did he really say that?

What's going on?

Wow. It has been aeons since I posted. Work was crazy/busy/insane and the days have just whizzed by.

So much has happened in the past five weeks or so. I'll try to touch on the major talking points:

1. MJ's death

Is there anyone on the planet who is unaware of this event? Possibly there is some tribe somewhere without cable, satellite radio, telephones, the internet and possibly that tribe has missed the drum beats from the other tribes broadcasting this news. This has totally dominated the airways and TV for the past few weeks. May MJ rest in peace. A musical genuis, a dancing machine and seemingly a troubled soul. He has left us some beautiful music and for that we give thanks. His music is timeless as is Bob Marley's. That, my friends, is the mark of true genius.


2. Sarah Palin's resignation

Oh, this list is in no particular order of importance. I'm not saying that Mrs. Palin's resignation is the 2nd most important event in the past few weeks. But it did come out of left field. Gotta love that unpredicatable moose hunting, Wasilla fishing kinda political moxie. You betcha, grandma! Check out more at www.huffintonpost.com.


3. Barbados/Guyana Warof the Words

Or not. Our Prime Minister has made it clear that he will not be shouting accross the Caribbean Sea at our neighbours. However, some other Prime Ministers were not so minded. (No name, no blame, no lock-up.)
If you are a Bajan, check out the Staebroek News (www.staebroeknews.com) for a Guyanese view of the debate. If you are Guyanese, you probably already live in Barbados and have checked out the Bajan view of the debate in the Nation newspapers (www.nationnews.com). And heard it on the call in programmes. And on the maxi taxis.

One smart person Who Shall Not Be Named told me that freedom of movement does not mean freedom to stay.
Hmm...so the concept is that you just keep moving? Interesting.


4. Barbados/Guyana Girl "fights"

Naw, not real fights. Don't get excited. I'm talking about " GT Advice", the tongue in cheek calypso penned by none other than Eric Lewis and the replies, one of which is sung by Thicky Sweets who is repping forthe Bajan ladies. I think it is called "Keep Your Guyaneese Wine" but I am not sure. Well, they are hilarious but let us make sure that we keep it at that level and not get too personal.


5. See Me and Don't See Me

"Keep muh name out ya mout
Keep muh name out ya mout
Keep muh name out yuh mout
Yuh en know wha ya talking bout

My pot don't hot at you
So I shun concern you
If I run up my cell phone bill
It ent gine come at you
.......
If yuh know yuh don't like me don't add me to yuh Facebook."

Just a sample of the lyrics to "See Me and Don't See Me", a "bashment " style track that is mashing up everything for Crop Over. This song is wicked. Patrick "Salt" Bellamy really hit the jackpot with this. It is full of Bajanisms
and everyone can relate to the sentiments , so the target audience is the whole of Barbados. Sweet Fuh Days.

To translate the above sample lyrics for those of you who do not speak Bajan:

Keep my name out of your mouth (i.e Stop talking about me. Stop hating)
You don't know what you are talking about
My food is not cooked at your house (i.e I don't rice at you or I don't depend on you for food)
So what I do is of no concern to you
If I run up my cell phone bill
It is not going to come at your house (i.e you won't have to pay it, so why is it your business?)
...
If you know don't like me, don't add me to your Facebook

If you happen to belong to the same tribe that doesn't know about MJ's death, then you probably have not heard Salt. Check him out on www.bajandancehall.com.


6. Rihanna and the Curious Case of the Sequin Covered Nipples

Why Ri Ri? According to reports, Rihanna was seen on July 7 at the Tao nightclub in Las Vegas wearing a low cut blazer with no inside blouse and with her nipples covered by sequined petals. Inexplicable. What, they don't sell camisoles in Las Vegas?

You will always get props and love from us for being the first Bajan superstar and our homegirl but this one leaves us at a loss.

7. Miracles do happen

If there is anyone out there who thinks that miracles are confined to the Bible, here is the latest evidence of a modern day miracle. Floyd Reifer is the captain of a West Indies senior cricket team in the Year of Our Lord Two Thousand and Nine. If this is not the hand of God at work in a mysterious way, I don't know what it is.

What the Hey? Seen on the Streets of Bridgetown

Again, we know Bajan ladies can dress with the best of them. But there are some serious crimes being committed in the name of fashion which cannot run unchecked lest they take over the wider society and result in chaos and widespread disorder. To wit:

1. The "Pouffy Jeans Dress"

Well, I just don't know how else to describe it. It has a puffy bottom and is made of denim, hence the moniker PJD. Ladies, why? This is just not a good look. Sure, on the rack in the store it looks cute. But, zut alors! On ze body eet ees another thing. No, a thousand times, no! Do no buy this dress. If you have already bought one, do not wear it. Do not even try to giveit to the Salvation Army. Just because people are down on their luck doesn't mean they don't have a sense of fashion. Christa has yet to see anyone who lookes good in this dress.

2. The Racerback T with a Normal Bra

This is a most serious offence deserving of the most severe punishment imaginable. Again, the number of offenders are mercifully few because we Bajan ladies know how to do our thing. But it is absoulutely unimaginable that anyone would concieve of donning a normal bra (i.e not strapless, not racerback) underneath a racerback tee and parade proudly through the streets of Bridgetown like the Original Multi-Strap Woman. This is almost as ludicrous as the alleged "invisible" bra straps which were transparent yet VISIBLE to the naked eye. Where is that Harry Potter Cloak of Invisibility when you need it?

NEWS FLASH....Woolworth, Cave Shepherd, Nu Look, Martindales, heck all of Swan Street are replete with suitable bras in a variety of price ranges. So if you know you are an offender, do the necessary asap. Or face the consequences. Enough said.

3. The Rihanna Mohawk

Even Rihanna had the good sense to get rid of hers.

The Real Deal - Coach or Clueless?

O.K. So we all know that Bajan ladies are fly and are sharp dressers. There are probably people somewhere in the world who think that we live in trees and wear grass skirts down here in the Caribbean but we know that we shop in the fashion capitals of the world - New York, Miami, Los Angeles, London, Paris. And the fashion non-capitals - Puerto Rico, Margarita,Port-of-Spain. In no particular order of importance. If it is hip and happening we have it.

So, naturally we want to flash our "Coach" gear like any self respecting fashionista would. Ladies, when you are dressed to kill (or maim) and you step out to impress, you want that Coach bag hanging off your shoulder ,do you not? It certainly seems so.

There has been a suspicious proliferation of all things Coach in Barbados within the past few years. So many people have "Coach" bags. But are they really Coach or are some of y'all just perpetrating a fraud (knowingly or unknowingly)? Hands up, now. I now have an innate suspicion of all things Coach since someone tried t o sell me a "real Coach bag" for $75 a few years ago. Ladies, I hate to break it to you. If it costs $75, chances are it isn't Coach. It probably isn't even the horses that drag the coach. If you bought it on the streets of NYC, it probably isn't Coach. And if you have to walk around with a paper tag attached to it saying "Genuine Coach", chances are.....you got it!

Pssst.. I have a Hermes scarf for sale. $25. Seriously.......

Crop Over 2009 - The Instant Party HitMaker Machine

Well, it is Crop Over time again and that means that the airwaves will be deluged with the good, the bad and the downright ugly in terms of calypsos and wannabe calypsonians.

We know that your heart hurts when you hear the new young stars on the radio being interviewed and "dropping" their hit releases. We know that you too want to be a superstar on the stage at the Party Monarch Finals and peddling your CDs in the supermarket/bank/carpark to unsuspecting members of the public. You too want to don a pair of oversized shades so you can go incognito during the "season".

But how? After all, the hits that they spin out are so craftily written and there is such an exquisite balance of lyrics, melody,storytelling and wit. How could a mere mortal such as yourself dare to dream of aspiring to such heights?

Never fear. The Instant Party HitMaker Machine is here. Just insert $500, pull the lever and follow these instructions:

1. Select your lyrics carefully. Since you are interested in five minutes of fame and do not actually wish to contribute to the longevity of the artform, we have chosen the most common words and phrases heard in party calypsoes. Choose at random from the following to compose VERSE ONE:

bacchanal / Carnival / Labour Day / breakaway/ get on bad/wine/ juk/wave/ TIL MORNING

roll/ SHE/ push back/ pon/ FETE/ jump/ hard/ wave/ I/ wood/ hands up/ rag/ flag/ party on fyah

jam/corner/coming/behind de truck/ road/ bamsee/ SOAKING/ bumper/ HE / shake

misbehave/ pork/ sexy gal/ GRIND/ bend down low/ waist/ pelt/ eating/ drinking/ he/ test me

2. You should now carefully consider your chorus. This should be catchy and easy enough for a five year old to remember. (Or write). We suggest that you use a few catch phrases and give careful thought to repeating the following ad nauseum:

wine, wine, wine, wine

juk, juk, juk, juk

wave, wave , wave, wave

and misbehave

get on bad, get on bad

in de party

It is always helpful to get several of your friends ( the drunker sounding and more raucous the better) to shout random phrases in the background.

3. Repeat Step 1 to compose VERSE TWO. At this point it really doesn't matter if you repeat most of the words in VERSE 1. It will help your target audience to remember the lyrics to the entire song without too much effort.

4. Repeat Steps 3 and 2 until you have the number of verses you desire.

5. Take your song to a little known producer/arranger who will assure you that you have a surefire hit on your hands. Hand over your hard earned cash. Alternatively, record the "hit" in your bathroom or bedroom, never forgetting that the great Nicholas Branker started his studio in his bedroom. But wait, he actually had musical talent and training. Anyhoo...

6. Walk into a radio studio and get one of the DJs to interview you on air and play your hit. Shout out as many times as possible "This is a big tune. This one going mash up de party. It only took me 15 minutes to write it." ( So long, are you serious?) Make sure to mention that you were following calypso from the time you were a youth and you decided to do a thing for Crop Over.

7. Get your friends to call in on the radio station and request your song so that it can be in "heavy rotation". You are officially a superstar and must hastily acquire a Manager and another pair of oversize shades. Appearances on Morning Barbados are mandatory and you cannot walk through Broad Street without being hailed by all and sundry. Even small children chant "wine, wine, wine, wine, juk, juk, juk, juk" when they see you. You have already selected your outfit for Party Monarch and visions of Trinidad Carnival dance in your head.

8. React in shock and disbelief when you do NOT make it to the Party Monarch Finals. (Cheeze don bread, these judges actually expect melody and lyrics in this thing? Dem mekking bare sport. ) Do not despair as you are guaranteed a place in the Vexx Fete as you are "burning up the charts and mashing up de party".

9. Next year , having learnt little. repeat the process. Except this time around you can complain bitterly about how the judges tief you last year.